Follow your dreams, they know the way.

Today is February 7th, 2021. I am 35 years old and I am sitting in front of my old laptop writing this post, on the window right next to me I can see the front of my apartment house in Germany and the parking lot. It is snowing outside, I have a warm mug with tea next to me and all I want to do right now is pause and savour this moment.

To be honest, this right now is pretty much how my dream life looked like in my head when I was 17 (me, living somewhere in Europe, watching the winter unfold while I sat on my laptop with a warm drink to write yet another inspiring article) and although I cannot say that “I made it” just yet, I am “doing my homework” as my therapist asked me to and I am giving myself credit for how far I have come and everything that I have accomplished.

But wait a minute, this is not a success story, I am not some famous writer or blogger that is making a lot of money and spending her time on a permanent vacation while she has it all figured out. I am no “how to reach financial freedom expert” about to tell you what you probably already know if you have been reading on the topic.

It’s quite the opposite, I don’t have much to show for financially speaking, I am no investment guru, no marketing expert or social media wizard, but I do know how important it is to follow your heart no matter what life throws at you, and I am someone who doesn’t know how to give up even when her own mind and spirit are lost and broken.

I am a person who is grinding every single day not only to get out of a depression but also to build a career for herself that is fulfilling, that uses her talents and that is capable of generating a decent income to live from. In other words, I am just a person fighting for her right to be herself while giving value to others, nothing special.

So this is my turning point in life and it is not easy…it is not the first time that I have tried to trust in myself and let go of the pressure of society that tells me to get a job and give my time for someone else’s projects, I have tried to be creative before and I have failed, I have tried to believe in myself before, and I have failed.

I have spent years stumbling around in search of sense, of the ideal job or profession that I can be good at and that also makes me happy. I have worked countless hours in different jobs in different industries and I have been able to get “good salaries”, achieve promotions, have enough money to eat out in restaurants more often than not, buy a car…etc. so it is clear that I have a good set of talents and I am willing to put in the time into my work. I know I have an exemplary work ethic and that I also have the ability to solve problems, lead teams and get results… so why am I no big shot? The point is that all those years, all those jobs, all those hours, were not taking me to where I really wanted to be: My professional and financial fulfilment.

I have spent way too much time pretending that I agree with mindsets of scarcity where you need to suffer and sacrifice a lot only to get a little further in life, mindsets of lack of creativity where it is important to work for someone else instead of developing your own original ideas, mindsets of lack of respect for human dignity where the people whose jobs are harder and longer are the people that earn just enough to survive, and I agreed with all of this just to “fit in” because I never really had the chance to develop a solid self-esteem growing up.

I am 35 years old now and I have been crushed by life and the people I really wanted to love me…many more times than I can count and today I am putting it all in writing and using these words to gain my power back.

Today I am choosing not to reprimand myself for what I couldn’t do when I was a child and had no tools to express how I felt inside, or when I was a purpose-driven teenager that felt confined to fulfil the expectations of her parents rather than her own.

I am not looking at myself with disappointment for being heartbroken at 18 and not knowing how to deal with it, (I actually believe this was one of the first depressive times of my life and I was never diagnosed or treated), I am not looking at myself with anger for trying to survive because it was all that I could do at the time.

Today I am looking at myself as a woman that has had a mountain of odds against her and is still showing up to start again from scratch. I am risking the pain that it comes with looking at my judge in the eye, the one that always says “if you only hadn’t given up on your dream to become a journalist you’d be successful by now” and I am saying: I can still make it.

Depression is not a fun thing to go through, it is not easy, it can turn really dark, really quick, it can be so overwhelming that you even lose control of your own body, it can be so relentless that you cannot get a break to sleep no matter how desperately you want to. But if being depressed -this time around- has taught me something it is that if you are not happy with your life… that is a good thing… because you factually have the power to change your life.

I want to be a journalist, however that might be for me and I want to be financially self-sufficient. I am saying it out loud, I am putting in in writing online for everyone to see, this is my most vulnerable place, I am saying this even though “I am already old and I already went through university once” but more importantly, I am saying it out loud even though I have said it out loud before and the results were destructive to my self-esteem and my mental and emotional health.

I have spent the last 15 years of my life working for someone else, filling my time with tasks to feel productive (not happy), just to make enough money to get by.

But today I am not afraid of failing again, and I say it out loud again: I want to be me, a creative, passionate, committed, talented and smart person that is capable of reaching any goal that she sets for herself. And sure my depression is not going away just because I feel the need to push through and become who I wanted to be, my depression is coming with me, but with the side of me that can look back and say: Actually, I have accomplished everything that I have wanted so far, so let’s move on, heal the wounds that I have carried for so long, and let’s get there.

I am not saying that creating your dream life is easy, but I am committed to showing that it is possible, even for someone with an extra challenge like depression on top.

So here is my personal guide, these are things that I have realized in the course of the past months while reflecting on where I am and where I want to be:

1. You already have a passion: “Finding your passion” is often a wrong approach when trying to live the life of your dreams, you don’t need to find your passion, your passion is already there, inside of you, it is what you do when you have free time, it is what you do when no one is around just because you enjoy it, it is what you do to stay sane and what makes you feel like yourself. We all have hobbies, but a passion is something that you don’t just enjoy, it is that thing that gets you in the Flow and that every person who knows you can tell that you are very good at.
2. You are more capable and more creative than you give yourself credit for: It is statistically proven that we always misjudge our capabilities for the worse, but this is a really important thing, whoever told you that you couldn’t draw, that you didn’t have rhythm, that you couldn’t cook, that you weren’t good with numbers or at sports…please stop believing them, let that go. We are all new at everything at some point, even to breathing, eating and walking and just because we don’t excel on our first attempts at a certain skill it doesn’t mean we can’t master it, if something makes you happy, don’t give it up.
3. Make investing in yourself a priority: When it comes to starting the journey towards financial freedom, there is a lot of information and advice, but ultimately, if you are only just at the beginning of the journey you need to be realistic about your own situation before jumping into doing what other people are doing, before investing in buying starter packs and expensive seminars with the keys to financial freedom, invest in the tools that will help you in the long term, if you want to invest in funds, invest your time and resources in learning everything there is to learn about investing in funds, if you want to create a website, instead of investing in expensive services and fancy campaigns, invest in learning everything there is to learn about running a successful website. Knowledge has no expiration date, it will take you longer, but you will know what you are doing and thus be able to maintain a growth mindset when you face obstacles.
4. Stop comparing yourself to others: My love for fitness has helped me understand that each person is unique, even if two people are doing the same workout and the same diet, the results and their body shapes will still be different…there is no “one size fits all” for your life, so take in what makes sense and adapt it to your life and don’t fall into the trap of feeling discouraged because someone else got “x” results, success looks different on everyone and every action you take is taking you further on your journey. Persistence is what ultimately will get you where you there.
5. Humans learn by repetition: I have a toddler and it really is like that, every skill that we can acquire is only learned through constant repetition, whether it’s walking, eating with a spoon or talking, be prepared and look forward to spending hours and hours learning the skill that you need to master to build up your system (work-life-money balance).

This is my experience so far on the journey to living the life of my dreams and reaching financial freedom.

Please let me know what you think about this article on the comments, I would love to read your point of view.